Friday, February 10, 2006

open letters

Sometimes the pen is smarter than the mouth
Dear Kayne-

This is just a little note to say: shut up. Shut up. Look- I know no one understands you or appreciates you and that George Bush hates you, but Aw. Now why you gotta get all moody and stuff?please shut up. You've got some talent and an awfully big mouth that you just don't know when to close. Oh sure, you should be able to share your opinions and you have the right to express yourself, and as a citizen of the good ol' US of A, I'm glad you do. As a member of Joe Q. Public, I wish you'd just shut your trap. More people watched American Idol than watched you and your cronies at the Grammys. Reason is, because we are tired of being preached to and told what to do by a bunch of whiny, rich, self-righteous idiots who have nothing better to do than to make movies, music, and give interviews to tell us how great you are and how awful everyone else is, and to tell us what we should think. Except for U2- most of the time- because Bono is the only one that talks and usually he's pretty respectful, and the Edge just stands there looking cool. Yeah. Oh, anyway- Most of the time you are wrong, sometimes you get lucky and are right, but you still have to act like a pompous ass about it. Isn't enough that a few people buy your stuff, but do we have to listen to you talk as well? Some of the things you guys say, beyond being stupid, is so mind numbingly full of crap that I just want to stick a roto-rooter through my ears just to clean them out. So please, shut up. Make your albums, make your movies, talk to Rolling Stone- whatever. Just shut up. Thanks.

A concerned member of the consumer public.

PS- the animated video was kind of cool.
PSS- Dude, like I don't know that much about the Killers, but U2 likes 'em. So you might want to just not speak to the guy at the parties. You know, just kind of snub him - but don't start nothing. Don't invite him to golf, or to the country club or something. If you start pouting in the press about it, well then you'll both look like idiots.

Dear Natalie Maines-

Please stop! The gravity of your gaping mouth of a black hole is sucking out all the intelligence around youHey Nat- I used to kind of like the Dixie Chicks. In fact, I don't really care for much in country music, but you guys looked great... I mean you sounded great. The you started talking. I don't really care that you don't like George Bush. Hey- I've never met the man myself, but like I was saying when I was talking to Kayne (PS- who still won't return my calls- GAWD. Can he be that sensitive?) your mouth starts flapping, and we start changing the channel. Please... for the love of Pete, please just shut up and sing. I don't care if you have an opinion- and I'm glad you can share it- just not with me. Thanks.


Dear Academy Awards-

Remember when the Oscars were two-fisted entertainment. Now they are just...fisted.I used to like you, but now you guys suck. Say, you remember when the awards were about great movies, and not fashion or fashionable politics? Most of the movies that get awarded now are not that great- and I am tired of you telling us what we should think and what is acceptable and good through what you "sanction." Just pat yourselves on that back, hurry up and award each other and get off my TV screen!

Signed - J.C. Loophole.
PS- The least you could do is mail me back my film on the video tape. I don't care if you like it or not - it's my only copy and my buddy won't let me borrow his machine to make more. Thanks.

Dear socially-conscience cultural elites-

Dude- couldn't you guys have taken Monopoly with you? Or Scrabble?Please stop telling me what to think and what I should go see and stop telling me that I'm a Philistine for wanting to go see King Kong instead of the gay cowboy movie (those two things should not be in the same sentence!). You keep screeching and yelling and telling me what to think so much that my ears are bleeding. Who says that the only totalitarianism is the government kind? As far as I'm concerned cultural elitists are worse, because you hold too much sway over a celebrity-obsessed public. I don't care what you call me- I don't want to see Brokeback Mountain. It's a chick flick. With gay dudes. Outside.
I don't care for chick flicks with girls, inside. I didn't see The Notebook, The Bridges of Madison County, or The Letter or Looseleaf Sheets of Paper, or The Spiralbound Notebook or whatever. The only kind of chick flicks I'll see are good movies, made when people knew how to make them. Ever hear of Casablanca or All About Eve or even When Harry Met Sally? Those are good movies? So instead of calling me names or a homophobe- how about making some movies for the purpose of making a good movie or telling a good story instead of making a political statement or socially conscious statement.

Thanks, but no thanks-

I've got something in my front pocket for you. Why don't you take a squeeze and say How Do You Do?Dear Michael Moore

CC: Alec Baldwin, Tim Robbins, Susan Sarandon, Sean Penn, etc.

Shut up. Move to France already.

Signed - A tired citizen

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

If you can't say something nice... don't say nothing at all.


Christian Johnson said...

Dear J.C. and Wolf,

Join my fantasy baseball league. Email me at imjaygatz at aol dot com.

Christian Johnson said...

Sorry for the shill above, but I am getting desparate.

I don't mind so much that celebrities talk about their politics so much as they use time they proclaim to be entertaining me to do it. For example, I might watch Kanye speak at a forum about the war and be very interested in his thoughts, even though I disagree with them. It is when I am watching a concert/movie/television show and I come away feeling lectured.

We all know that the "socially conscious" film is nothing new, but lately they have been more the socially lecturing film. Geez. It's amazing these samizdat filmakers can smuggle their screeds out of the gulags we have set up in the wilds of Alaska.

pita said...

Just a link for you :


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