Thursday, August 02, 2007

hollywood horror show


I saw the trailer for the new film Beowulf last night and thought that I would share with you my thoughts- but in a different way. Since I wasn't online at the time to do"liveblogging", I'm going to sort of do "previously-taped-before-a-live-audience-blogging" (patent pending). So here we go...

Announcer: Coming soon in November of 2007 : Beowulf.

ME: Beowulf, huh? I thought that was that terrible movie with Christopher Lambert.

Announcer: This is not that terrible movie with Christopher Lambert. That was 1999. This is 2007, keep up.

ME: What?

Announcer: From Robert Zemeckis and starring Anthony Hopkins, Angelina Jolie, John Malcovich, Robin Wright Penn and Ray Winstone as...Beowulf...

ME: Ok...I kind of like those guys, this should be interesting... I liked Beowulf in school...hmmm.

Announcer: Like I care...

ME: What? Who said that?

Announcer: I mean, "One of the greatest legends ever told..."

**Trailer begins, shadowy images of the actors come across the screen, with a female reciting lines from the film. Names of actors, the director and the writer flash across the screen**

ME: Ok... kind of cool I wonder how they are going to do the monster?
...
The music sounds cool...
...
Oh look, written by Neil Gaiman and Roger Avary. Hopefully they'll make a Sandman movie one of these days...
...
Is that guy Beowulf? He kind of looks...like a plastic He-Man character.
...
Grendel's mom must be Angelina Jolie... and that must be her...naked...and...shiny?
...
Something about this is weird.
...
That sounds like Anthony Hopkins, but it looks like he washed his face with Botox. I wish they would stop with the shadowy figure shots and just show a char...
...
OH MY GOD, IT'S CGI!!!!!
MAKE IT STOP!!!
MY EYES!!!
THEY AREN'T PEOPLE!!!
IT ISN'T GOOD ANIMATION!!!
IT ISN'T EVEN GOOD CGI!!!
IT'S...IT'S... SOYLENT GREEN!!!
...
It's...it's ....it's like The Polar Express and that Final Fantasy movie got together and sired a goth emo kid!...Why?Why?Why?
*sob*
...
Make it go away... (I bury my head in my pillow until it's over)
...
**Suddenly my wife is shaking my shoulder. I look around and see that I'm in bed.**
Wife: What is the matter with you? You keep talking in your sleep. Are you OK?

ME: Yea...it must've been a dream. No... a nightmare.

Wife: What dream?

ME: Never mind... it's probably better to completely forget about it. Go back to sleep.

**Wife rolls over and mutters to herself**
Wife: That's the last time I'll let him eat cookie dough before bed....

ME: It was just a nightmare... wasn't it?



Was it?

Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

You tell everybody. Listen to me, Hatcher. You've gotta tell them! Soylent Green is people! We've gotta stop them somehow!

4 comments:

Anonymous said...

heh

Stacy said...

This looks terrible. Even the website sucks. I don't know why they think this would appeal to the intended audience. Why can't they just make Grendel CGI and let the actors really act. I know that's a stretch for some, but the CGI is just a gimmick here.
I know Zemeckis said that the reason they did CGI was because the story lasted over a 50 year period and wanted to be able age and incorporate that in the characters.
Has he never heard of make-up? Why is Hollyweird always trying to re-invent the wheel?

Wolf Flywheel said...

stacy-

As much as they deny it, Hollywood hates tradition. They laud all of the performers of the past yet hold none of their values. They hate doing something they cannot take credit for as being different and 'groundbreaking'. The bad part of it is that when one of them does something new and different, they do the same new and different thing over and over again until (as with Zemeckis here)it's not new or different. Then they are forced to be foul, crude, and tasteless to shock us as they refer to it as art. It's the old 'pushing the envelope' thing. Honestly I don't mind them 'pushing the envelope' as long as it's being pushed into their collective rear and i get to help.

Laura said...

LOL! I checked out the trailer last week and when I realized the characters were kind of animated (I use the word advisedly) I sighed and said "Oh well, it was a good idea..."

Laura

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