
I'm not sure what it was. Boredom? A slip of the mind? Curiosity? At any rate, I picked up the local paper today and read a little of the front page. I'm not a fan of this paper, but sometimes a line might catch my eye. Today's line mentioned a triple homicide in a neighboring city where I used to patrol as a police officer. The picture that accompanied the article flooded my senses with memories and emotions. The scene was of a uniformed patrolman and an investigator standing by the scene of the incident; a place where I had been many times. My entire law enforcement career, so far, ran through my mind. I thought of the first time I stared down the barrel of a gun when a dumb teenager was just trying to 'turn it over to me'. I thought of the simple shoplifting call that started with a conversation and ended with a test of my reflexes as the suspect pulled a home-made knife from his sock and did his best to get it into my ribs (he failed miserably). I even thought about how silly I felt walking through a drug and gang infested neighborhood shouting for "squeeks" while looking for an old lady's lost dog. The strongest memory was of that brief eternity I spent thinking of my wife and six month old son a few years ago in the seconds before I had to put a bullet into another human being. Technically, I left all of these things behind when I left my old department to work for a smaller, safer and higher paying municipality. The truth is, as an officer (or soldier) can tell you, you never leave those things behind. They just stay in a compartment in your mind until something triggers it to open

That's the story of a cop's life. A lot of experiences, some bad, some good. From my current situation, I look at my fellow officers working the same crime infested streets I once patrolled and say to others, "I'm better off. I get paid more to deal with less." That's what I say to others. Sure, it's true. My wife is more at ease with me working in a town with a drastically lower crime rate, and I love the bigger paycheck. There's just something inside of me somewhere that feels guilty for not being at the scene of the crime that I saw in the paper. I even felt envious of my former co-workers. This can be one of the hardest things to explain to one who is not a cop, but most cops will understand right off what I mean. When I started in this field, I felt personally responsible for the area I patrol. I also wanted to be where the action was. As I've matured in my career, I still feel personally responsible for my area and somewhere inside I still want to be where the action is. I don't have a job as tough as a soldier's and even though I don't work in LA or NY, I've had a full plate from the action buffet, and gone back for seconds. I'm not hungry anymore, but it still smells good and I might pick at it a little. I hope that made sense 'cause that's really how it is. I've had my fill of action packed situations, but I still have a taste for it.
That's one reason why I envied the officers

Pride is a common denominator here. When I left my old department to work for my current employer, I had mixed feelings. I was happy, yet even though I'm still young and have several years to go before retirement, I felt like a grandpa moving into a retirement home or an old lion sleeping my days away in a pasture. I'm in a great situation right now and a lot of cops would be envious, but I think that they would kind of feel the way I do. I'm happy, grateful and a little sad all at the same time. I've had to come to understand that even without mayhem all around me, I'm still serving my community and myself. I've had to work on over

I've always believed that and I'm grateful for that advice, but now I have something that I've added to it. You need to prove those things to yourself as well. If you've proven to yourself that you can get the job done, then you can have self-respect and you can let go of the damaging pride. You ca

Please feel free to comment if the need strikes you.

The duties which a police officer owes to the state are of a most exacting nature. No one is compelled to choose the profession of a police officer, but having chosen it, everyone is obliged to live up to the standard of its requirements. To join in that high enterprise means the surrender of much individual freedom. ----------Calvin Coolidge
6 comments:
This will be one of the most important posts Shelfers will read here at the Shelf. How about we pitch in by doing our duty, standing up for our community, raising children to be free thinkers, but respectful of the law and of each other...and oh, yeah how about thank a cop, or a soldier, or a fireman. The are the ones on the front lines making sure I can sit a home and type this. Thanks, Wolf.
Well written.
I'm new to this blog, but will continue to check it out.
Thank you for so eloquently saying what I suspect we all feel.
I remember a class I took when I was an undergrad. One of our students was a police officer who was earning a degree. When one of my classmates would talk about "the police bully mentality" the officer in our class would ask us when the last time we asked a police officer over to dinner was. He continually stressed how most of what a police officer sees is the "worst" that society has to offer and it was our duty as citizens to remind the officer that the best is there as well.
Defending public security is a tough and often thankless job. Often in the communities who most need good relationships with the authorities, there is the greatest mistrust.
Loved this post. My brother is a police sergeant. It's a tough job. As a post above said, they see a lot of the worst society has to offer. Thanks for these thoughts.
Best wishes, Laura
Wolf, you described how it feels perfectly. I retired three years ago and moved on to a much higher paying, much safer job. I'm happy about my new situation, especially for my family.
Yet, I feel a little guilty when I read the on-line version of the hometown paper, and I see "my guys" involved in stuff I would have been in the middle of.
I still talk to a couple of the old timers, but I miss the comfort of the brotherhood. That shared mix of pride, fear, excitement, boredom, cynicism and sense of duty, that most cops, and probably soldiers, relate to.
I know I'm late on this post, but man, I just want to thank you for all that you do. An amazing post. seriously.
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