Friday, September 22, 2006

sometimes size matters

Look man, I don't think a little pill is gonna do it. Judging by the costume, I think you need more help than that.
We’re going to tell some truth right now. It might be harsh, but it’s time to be real. Sometimes it is all about the package; and sometimes size does matter. I know, I know…you are saying: “Mr. Loophole, why must you be so blunt. It isn’t always true. It’s about what you get out of it!” I’m here to tell you that you are fooling yourself. Sometimes the little stuff just doesn’t do it. So just sit your “Fun Size” self down and listen to me.

Yessir, when it comes to candy, especially Halloween candy what really gets the motor running is about presentation and size. What’s that? What did you think I was talking about? What! Aww, come on. Geesh, get your mind out of the gutter.
Now back to the matter at hand. Usually I hate to start a sentence this way, but when I was a kid trick or treating was sort of like going to a potluck. You never really knew what you were going to get. And that was half the fun. You could get fruit and nuts, you might get some gum, Smarties, candy corn, or even some hardy candy. You always got those small packages of Sweetarts with the three pellets. And maybe, just maybe you would get a full size candy bar. You and your buddies knew where those candy bars were- you knew who the soft touches were. You upped the costume ante just to score that candy bar.

Today we have “Fun Size.” I don’t know- I remember getting some of them. The packaging may have been different, and I remember them being smaller. M&M Mars may have been first out of the gate with the smaller Snickers for Halloween ( I sure remember getting those tiny square 3 Musketeers bars ). Info I’ve seen mark the first Fun Size in 1968. Either way, the full size was the shiznit, and still is.

Problem is that fun size has been associated with Halloween for a long time now. I say it is time to rise up and sneak some full size into a couple bags! It is time to buy a few full size candies and reward that kid with the homemade costume that looks like he or she spent an afternoon or two on making, with mom or dad’s help. Let’s turn some of that Charlie Brown karma around and give those kids with rocks something to crow about.

FULL SIZE! EAST SIDE! BETTA RECOGNIZE!
“I got an apple”
“I got some gum. What did you get, another rock?”
”Naw, suckerz! I got me some full size candy bars! Holla!”

So for today’s candy post we celebrate full size by taking the most traditional of little candies to school: Smarties. I found at my local pharmacy something that I’ve never seen, but has probably been around for awhile: Giant Smarties! I tried to assemble the panel of three taste testers, but they proved unreliable. Two of them claimed to not like Smarties. I recoiled in horror, as I can get hooked on the stuff. It's like Halloween crack. The third, who says he could take 'em or leave them, agreed to give it a whirl. I have now discovered why the Smarties are left in the Halloween bags after Halloween. And here I though the Halloween fairy just smiled upon me. Nothing like shattering a few simple childish beliefs in the name of science.

Sorry, science forbids me from sharing.

But I digress. The regular Smarties were first and then a giant Smartie. I fully expected the conclusion to be that they tasted the same, and yet I was wrong. I am not sure how I will be able to twist the data to fit my previous drawn conclusions. My taste tester stated that it was different. When I asked why, he just shrugged and said "I don't know, it just does." I then concluded that my panel was about as helpful as a Oompa Loompa on a diet. I wonder if Willy Wonka has these problems?

Anyway, the only real difference is that the giant Smarties are harder, kind of like a Sweetart. The taste is pretty much the same. But you have to admit that it will be cool when kids will dump out the regular Smarties out and then the one kid will then lord over them all with his Giant Smarties roll held high aloft, like a beacon in the darkness. Long Live the Smarties! The Giant Smartie rules! Bwa hahahahahaha hah!

Ahem.... Therefore my conclusion is that my panel of taste testers have been thoroughly corrupted. My previously held theories still stand. I believe they have been bought off by the chocolate police who have always held the compacted sugary powder sweet and tart crowd in contempt. I, for one, refuse to bow down to their bullying tactics. Sure, I will continue to buy my Hershey's Miniatures and 3 Musketeers, but I won't enjoy it. No wait... I will enjoy it, but I will sneer to demonstrate my protest against their "Big Chocolate Ways!

After a short rest and as soon as I get down off the sugar high, we will be bringing you a weekend report from correspondent Baravelli, look for another Bargain Bin review from Wolf (will it be another James Stewart film? Will he buck the trend?) and of course more of your regularly scheduled madness from all your friends here, at The Shelf.

In the meantime, this week's Shelf Classic takes us back to last Halloween when we talked about, what else? Halloween Candy. It's a Halloween Candy countdown. What's number one? Well, if you paid attention today, you probably already know. Enjoy.

Oh, I know it's a penny here and a penny there, but look at me. I worked myself up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.


I got a rock.


4 comments:

juliasmile said...

Hey guys-
I listen to a weekend talk radio show that is syndicated nationaly. He talked about Wal-Mart today and mentioned a "web blog" that had an article that posed the question "Why do liberals hate Wal-Mart" he posed the questions to his callers. He mention some of the same points you did. He didn't give out the address because he said he didn't ask permission and didn't quote anything, but said we could find it on Fark pretty easily (he gets some of his show stuff for weird news off of Fark, and has said so on the air)
There is no real way to verify, but based on everything he said- I think it was you guys (he even said some of the best stuff was in your counter arguments in comments.). He mentioned just about everything you did.
So how about that? I thought that was pretty cool. I'm in the midwest, but I'm not sure if you can hear the show, but having read the article and being a "shelfer as you say- I thought it was pretty cool. I told my husband that I knew where the article was and I had already read it. He printed it off and is taking it to work this week and give to a friend. Keep up the good work!

Anonymous said...

I really like Smarties, but I don't know to many people who do. Any idea where I can find the giant ones? Smarties are a Halloween tradition, but you don't really see anything about them on the web or any special packaging - they are just excellent, esp. for the sugar rush!
By the way- the guy in the M&M costume looks way too happy to be in costume.

Anonymous said...

Glad to see you off the political stuff for the weekend.
I tried to comment, but you defended your position well. I agreed with everthing you said and I am a union member (against my will in a way).
That was a little crazy last week. My kids love Smarties- I prefer chocolate. So I guess I am a member of the chocolate "lobby"!
Long live mini milky ways.

J.C. Loophole said...

First anonymous-
I found them at my local Eckerds. You can try there or another pharm. At last resort you can order them online
Anonymous #2 - thanks for your support Milky ways are great.
Juliasmile-
Nice to see you commenting again! I would be interested to know about what show that was! Stay tuned... we'll talk more about this on our next podcast!

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